Our pastor's sermon today was entitled "The Misunderstanding Test," and addressed, as you might guess, the fact that, at some point in our lives, we will all be tested by misunderstandings. I can attest to that. A terrible misunderstanding occurred in my life that left me shattered for a very long time.
Several years ago my family and I were involved with a large group of people that met often, had a leadership group with a chairman-type person, and we all became friends. Somehow the chairman figure got the notion that some of us would be interested in disposing of him. No, no, not in the Elliott Ness kind of way but in the pinkslipping kind of way. (It would become evident later that he suffered from deep insecurities.) There actually were a few people who weren't keen on his leadership abilities, or lack thereof, and several of them had quietly talked with him in private about it. He insisted that compromising by making some sort of adjustment in his leadership wasn't the answer. Still at no time that I'm aware of did anyone ask for his departure from the group. People continued to be unhappy and it became obvious that he had begun building his army, his group that would insulate him and "protect him" from the rest of us.
The large group was at times broken down into subgroups with leadership, of which my husband and I were a part. At times the subgroup leadership would meet with the chairman and overall leadership for discussion of any problems, concerns, or updates. At one of these meetings the chairman announced that one subgroup had disintegrated to the point that only two people from that subgroup were left and submitted that the reason was because the leader of that subgroup (now departed...no, no, not in the dearly-departed kind of way but in the I'm-outta-here kind of way) had talked badly about the chairman during that subgroup's meetings. My husband and I had been a part of that group. My husband surmised later that we were the only two people left from that subgroup. We were the two that the chairman was talking about. I was shocked because I never remembered hearing anyone speak unkindly about the chairman in those subgroup meetings. I think the chairman thought that my husband and I were speaking some of those unkind words within the subgroup and turning them against him. We weren't.
I do admit that those of us who were unhappy with his leadership were given to discussion about the effect he was having on the group as a whole, but rallying numbers for "our side" wasn't what it was about. Of course, I'm sure he and his following would never believe that. In fact, when he finally did leave, my husband and I wanted to talk with him and his wife to make sure there was nothing between us, but he wouldn't agree to it.
There was one particular couple in the group that he and others had a hard time abiding. This couple had been involved in forming the large group years before he had come on the scene. It was proven later that he had never really come on board with the group to be a part of what we were about but to make it what he wanted it to be. What makes me say that? Several ladies and his wife were talking one day and she became beligerent and said had he known about one of the by-laws of the group, chances are he never would have become a part of it. My response now...at the time my response was saucer-eyes and drop-jaw...would be, "You mean you came into the group not knowing what we were about?" The only sense I could make of that was that he wanted it to be about his concerns, with no vision for continuing what the original plan was for the group.
He did finally leave the group on his own, blaming that couple that he couldn't abide, which angered a long-time group member and member of the overall leadership. This man began an attack on the couple-at-blame which blew the group apart, leaving two sides, many people leaving the group, and broken relationships among people who had known each other long, long before the chairman had come on the scene.
There never was an apology from that man and his people who broke up the group, and, unfortunately, I don't foresee one in the future. Nominal gestures have been made over the years...a meal paid for here, a hug in public there...but no real effort to mend broken...no, shattered...fences. And hearts. Like mine.
Many years and tears later my heart has healed for the most part but not without a scar and, unfortunately, not without a (small) callous. My heart is not into things like it was then; however, new things have taken their place. I have written two books that probably never would have come about, and people like them. And I have two more tumbling around in my head. I am humbled. And it feels good. I feel loved again. That wasn't at all my reason for writing the books, but that's one of the blessings God has given me through it.
There were many days when I grieved for my friendships that are probably forever, at least on this earth, gone. There were days when I had to get out of my own home because I couldn't bear being alone with my grief. There were days when I would busy myself to fill my mind with something other than the pain. And there were the nights when I cried myself to sleep.
I'll never be a part of a group like that again. That is over. Decision made. But I learned something valuable, something I already knew in my heart but had never had to live until now: God really is the only One you can trust. Man is just man, but God is pure love and faithfulness. When friends and family turn on you, God never will. Through it all, He was my constant. I never once blamed Him for what happened. I never once wanted to turn my back on Him. And He has proven to me that my faithfulness to Him makes Him want to not only remain faithful to me but to prove it in tangible and intangible ways. My life is rich. The scar remains, but my life is rich. www.junebanderson.com
